Rock bottom is unreliable... (Pt.2)

Emerging from the dark pit of rock bottom is like leaving a dark movie theater. Your eyes take time to adjust, and anything too bright is painful. Being around people who's energy vibrations were higher than my current state was painful. Trying to balance the pendulum swing was a difficult process. I did learn and I'm always learning the power of forgiving myself.

Asking myself why and owning my shit instantly increased my energy vibration. I felt like I was sloughing off years of self inflicted wounds. I realized just how toxic I was when I chose to be hurt. But more powerful then owning it, is asking myself why. Why did I think that behavior was ok? Where did it come from? If you find yourself saying "Oh, my bad. Sorry about that." You're not truly sorry. Apologizing and asking why you did it is power. It has taken me so long to trace back the origins. Some I have found and others I have not. You know on The Office when Jim pranks Dwight with the red wire? Dwight is crawling all over the office and climbing up a god damn electrical pole. That’s what its like. I was searching all over creation for the origin of this pain.

Pain. In The Untethered Soul, the author talks about pain as something that we don't want but by avoiding we are actually keeping it close to us. Because we are refusing to let it pass through us. We are choosing to let the energy of pain stay close. When we do decide to let it stay its like a thorn. Instead of pulling out the thorn we choose to keep people away from it, and us. We  stop going out because the thorn could be bumped by someone. We don’t go outside and enjoy nature because brushing a tree branch could snag the thorn. Or, we could just pull the thorn out. Tend to the wound and the sting that a thorn brings and move on. This doesn’t mean you become a push over. It means you choose your reaction.

Of course I had to ask why I chose to keep all of these thorns in me. Why didn’t I just pull them out? Why did I think I needed to keep them. Here's why. For as long as I can remember I felt unstable. I felt like I didn’t fully belong in my family, or my group of friends, or my church. I know it sounds silly, but that was my perceived reality. It took me a few months to follow that red string. Naming that feeling was so powerful. Once you name an emotion, it immediately loses power. I felt a huge weight lifted from me when I said out loud "I feel replaceable." Processing that emotion was deep. There were a lot of thorns associated with that. And I cried a lot of ugly tears. Processing that with my "sponsor" was also so healing. To say it out loud and to have them empathize was exactly what I needed. For them to understand what I was feeling gave them better understanding of me. And their reflection of me helped me make sense of things.

Have you been criticized but it was with love? I have. It doesn't lessen the blow. Criticism of any kind has a bit of a sting, but knowing that there was love behind it helps, a little. Criticism was a very necessary process. To hear others perspective of me, or their experience with me was beyond humbling. I ate crow quite a few times. I noticed though, when I chose to make changes for me because I wanted to be a better person the criticism and the experience of others was easier to handle. This was a choice I had to make. I could be mad and upset and hurt, or I could soak it in. I could listen and empathize and process. The apology after a recount is different. I would apologize initially after that, apologize again a few days later. Then I would apologize again a few days after that. Then I would apologize again a few weeks after that. And the more I processed and tried to fully understand the more I understood. Until seeing it in their eyes that I finally apologized for the true reason of their hurt.

When you heal the root cause of your hurt. Remembering to be kind or to be empathetic is easy. The thorn is out, and the pain has subside. It doesn't mean that new thorns won't stick, but instead of leaving them, I pull them out as quickly as possible. In Permission to Feel, Brackett talks about having a meta moment. Just a split second before you react. Its easy to go back to our knee jerk reactions of fear and anger and lashing out. Or you can take a meta moment. Take a deep breath and think before reacting.

Before I had meta moments, I would zone out. Have you seen a great white shark before they attack? They swim through the waters like any ordinary fish, but when they are ready to attack, they change. They become fierce. They usually swim away from the prey just enough to get momentum to attack with deadly force. They also roll their eyes back into their skull. This is for protection of their most vulnerable parts. That was me. I would roll my eyes back and without looking or thinking I would attack. With full deadly force. I didn't care who was in my way, all I knew was defense. There was a threat and I wasn't going to be prey. I was always the great white. I was always the predator.

There are times when I realize that I still slip back into the great white, but its easier to step out of that. I'm so far from perfect but I'm trying. It is something that I am constantly aware of. Like an addict I need to work on this every single day. I've put habits in place that are helpful, and again remembering the why makes it easy to do them. I have not stopped reading the books listed above. Sometimes I'll borrow the audio book to get a fast refresher, but its worth it.

Who I was/am, is a very hurt little girl. Little Dyanna still has some deep wounds, and needs some very big hugs. She still needs to know that she is valued and important. That will take time, but it will be worth it. We all deserve to find peace. My one advice if this is  a process that you want to start. Ask yourself, why. Why do I feel this way? Why am I afraid? Why am I angry? Why do I want this? That three letter word is small but mighty. But if you want to make any change of any kind. Ask yourself, why.