Want some guac with that chip?

I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder. And for a while, I thought it was working for me. If I was angry enough, no one would dare come close to me. I could build a force field of anger around me that, quite effectively, kept mostly everyone out.

It took a lot of self sabotage to realize I didn’t want to be angry anymore, and that I could let others in. I’m finally understanding that anger bubble, and why I do it.

Physically, I'm little. In elementary school I was always the first person to take pictures. I was always skinny, and people liked to pick me up, like a toddler… ugh! Kids would say things like, eat a burger. Or ask if I was from Ethiopia because I looked malnourished. I was teased in middle school, asking if I was president of the itty bitty titty committee. You get the idea. I was a shrimp. I still am. Not in a ‘I’m so skinny’ type of way. More of a, ‘I could be kidnapped at any moment’ type of way.

I still hear snears and scoffs, and people say dumb things like ‘she’s never suffered a day in her life.’ Man, I wish that was true. Maybe I can’t relate to you in terms of weight, but I have my own body image issues and insecurities that I deal with. Remember that no one is exempt from pain and heartache. We all suffer in our own way, so be empathetic to that.

Back to what I was saying. I taught myself early on that if I was snippy or angry or showed that I was tough, people wouldn’t talk about my size. I was viewed in a different light besides the tiny, flat chested girl. So it worked. And I liked it! I liked that I was finally seen. I remember one guy in high school said, man you’re tough, and in my mind I thought “Aww. Thank you!”

Tough is the opposite of feeble and I liked that! The opposite of skinny and small. Finally! But as I’ve gotten older, the anger and tough exterior morphed into a defense mechanism. I was now using it to protect myself. When I’m hurt the walls go up, and I was safe behind them. Now I’m learning, anger is obviously a valid emotion, but it is also secondary. Behind my anger is usually hurt.

I have two types of anger. One that seems normal, more of a minor annoyance. For example, you know there’s one slice of pie left. You dream and fantasize about it all day you even work in an extra 20 minutes of cardio to squeeze that baby in. Only to find that someone, not pointing fingers, ate it. That’s a valid anger. It’s subtle, obviously no one is going to die, but it’s the disappointed anger. You might cry a little, it’s fine I would too. Pie is delicious!

Then there’s another type of anger within me. It boils like lava in a pressure cooker. The type of anger that makes you cry. It usually makes me sweaty. My neck gets tense and my jaws clenched. That anger is a front for hurt. Something has been said or done that has cut me deep. And the only way for me to survive the hurt is to be undoubtedly angry. You know the anger. It boils in me. Sometimes my vision gets a little spotty. Maybe you’ve experienced it, maybe you haven’t. I have. I currently hold the gold medal in anger for unexplainable reasons.

That’s the anger that I’m trying to understand. It boils and bubbles slowly, til finally, Mount Vesuvius. The part I don’t understand is how to calm the beast. So far I’ve learned rosé works like a charm. Also dancing and singing in my car, with music cranked so loud that it makes my ears ring. Also, writing. This seems to help validate the hurt. It helps me sort what in the holy depths of hell is going on. It always comes back to hurt in some way. Whether it’s a hurt that’s always been there or a hurt that I forgot about and it resurfaces. But I’m baby stepping to no longer lash out. It’s good to feel the pain and understand it, but it’s better to get her under control.

My anger is something that I’m self conscious about. I really don’t like that its my go to emotion but I’m working on it. I’m trying to find me, somewhere lost deep in the volcano of anger and hurt.

My therapist gave me a chart of emotions, to help expand my emotional vocabulary. To be honest, it took me a long time to figure out that other emotions were even involved. I was convinced that anger was anger was anger. There was nothing else hidden beneath that. I was mad and that was that. But no. I was wrong. The table shows initial emotions that we think of: happiness, caring, depression, fear, confusion, etc. across the top, and light, medium, strong down the side. And a treasure trove of adjectives for each of those. Learning to pinpoint the emotion has been really hard. My biggest challenge is learning to pump the brakes. To take a deep breath and ask myself what is really going on. Luckily my therapist has been a wonderful teacher and is teaching me how to decode some of the feelings I have. She is helping me see that what I feel is more than that, and once it has a name it loses power.

I have a long ways to go. Mainly because I still cry when I get really angry, and once the water works start, it’s hard to think straight. It takes me a lot longer than I would like to admit to get myself in a calm place. I’m not one to throw things or hit or anything like that, I shut down. I turn off all communication and emotions. And once its off, I have a hard time snapping myself out of it. But I’m working on it. I keep a PDF copy of that list on my phone, and my computer. As well as a printed out version for my side table. It’s going to be a long journey, but one that I am beyond ready to learn.