Who's that girl in the mirror?

Last night I went shopping. For the first time. What do I mean the first time? Well I didn’t cry out of frustration or settle on an outfit. I actually tried on clothes that I wanted to try on. Or didn’t want to try on, but I could.

Let me explain. For years, shopping was something that had to be done, it was a chore. I've never seen clothes as a form of expression. They meant nothing to me, because I was so limited. Whether the limitation was internal or external, there was  always a reason to be disappointed. I cant tell you how many times I have cried in changing rooms, or felt a rage bubbling inside. I felt like I couldn’t be me. Like who I was on the inside was not matching who I saw in the mirror. I used to feel very limited in the choices that I had. Especially living in the desert. Its hot! So being covered up all summer was miserable. Plus, I hated who I saw in the mirror.

We’ll talk about this more later, but I was a very square peg trying to squeeze into a very round hole. The thought of who I was back then, makes my chest tight! I felt so claustrophobic. So what has changed? Well a whole lot of nothing.

I really don’t dress any different now than I did before, but I have removed the restrictions. I have taken out the part of my life that was limiting me from full self expression. Not that I know what that means for me personally, but that door is now cracked open.

I went shopping last night with a friend, and we basically had a free for all. We asked the sales attendant to pick out some tops that are date night attire. What she brought to the dressing room could not be further from what I'm comfortable with. But I tried it on anyway, and who I saw in the mirror was a totally different person. She had color on! My wardrobe mostly consists of black, grey, white, navy. But I tried on rose gold, plum, royal blue, RED! Who am I? It was a shock. My friend said that I looked beautiful! And as hard as it was to silence the voices of self destruction, I actually felt beautiful. When I walked out, I had my hands over my mouth, I was kind of slumped over because I could not believe that I had on that top! My friend had tears in her eyes, so did I, and I looked in the mirror. Who was that?

Has that girl been inside of me all along? Is this what it feels like to actually like the person in the mirror? That feeling was fleeting, like a roach when you turn on the light. Fear and self doubt quickly set in. I felt like I was breaking all the rules, and not in a good way. I thought well I can only wear this with my husband or around people who are going to be ok with it. I tried to talk myself out of liking it. But it was fun. And I looked good! Who knew that rose gold looked on me.

My biggest take away, its really not that scary. Ok, yes it is. But the first step is out of the way, and my options are not limited. Even wearing color isn't scary. Ok it is. But again, baby steps. I have taken that first step. So now, onward and upward.