RIPping off the band-aid (Pt.2)...

Read part 1 here…

One day I realized, I cant do this anymore. I was miserable! I was overwhelmingly sad and scared for no reason. I am a good person. I try my best to be kind and thoughtful of others. I try to serve others when I can, and even though I'm not perfect I try really hard.

But that still wasn’t good enough for 'acceptance' in church. I was shamed for making a conscious choice and for being honest. Repentance and honesty was huge, but I wanted to feel love and accepted despite mistakes. I was taught that’s what God would do, but his followers in my church did not. I was shunned in a way, and had privileges stripped away because of my honesty. Talking to my current husband and his family showed me that making mistakes is not the end of the world. You can still be a good person even if you screw up sometimes.

The turning point for me was when I reached out for help and I was told I wasn’t telling the truth. I was married to someone who was abusive. And in the church our pastor is revered. Obviously. Most are. So I reached out to him for help in a desperate time of need. I didn’t know who else to turn too! Hoping in return, I would get some guidance how to handle this horrible part of my life. I was letting my pastor know what was happening, where I was going and he said "Really? Your husband? I cant see him doing that. Are you sure you didn’t do something to instigate that? He is a man with Gods grace on him, I don’t think he's doing that." I literally stood there heart broken with mouth hanging wide open in utter disbelief. What did he just say to me? This night and those words have echoed in my head for the last 10 years. All I’ve been working for, and the community I was apart of and gave so much too, was a sham!! I was totally fooled in thinking I was going to get back any kind of support.

That moment brought so much into question. What have I been working for? Is there a God that would actually take one side over the other? Is it because I'm not a man? I'm not blessed with Gods grace so I'm making it up? I still believed in God and his ability to help me so I kept going. I kept working and trying so hard to lean on Him for guidance. I mean I was getting divorced. My life that I had envisioned was over. My life was crumbling! Obviously God was the only one who could help me. Right?

I would pray, and plead, and fast, and volunteer and give all of myself to God. It didn’t help. I didn’t realize the way I was feeling was from trauma. I was trying to lead my life with blind faith. I thought that no matter what I was going to be healed by Gods grace. I could over come the trauma and abuse because of God. Not that God cant help you, if that’s what you believe, but I think God has already provided so much. Modern medicine and therapy is a gift. Maybe you don’t believe in God which is totally fine, but I do think there is a higher power at play. Taking advantage of things that are already here are the gifts. Sure you can pray but you have to take action. If you are going to sit back and hope it all gets better, I'm sorry, its not. You need to work for it.

I needed to part ways. I needed to step away from this church for my own sanity and well being. After years of trying to make it work and kicking myself over and over again for being so far from perfect, I left. I talked to my husband and said “I’m not happy. I’m killing myself for what? I’m verbally abusing myself for what?” And he felt the same way. He has his own experience with religion and this church in particular. So he could understand and empathize with the feelings I had. Having his support was everything. We both left with our heads held high!

And to be honest, I have never been happier. I, for once, felt happy with myself. I felt like I was ok. I wasn’t living in constant fear of failure and disappointment. Now I am working on healing spiritual abuse. I don’t want to get into this too much, because it is different for everyone, but that is my next step. I know this is an area of abuse and need of healing because it makes me angry. I'm learning when I'm angry, I'm really hurt.

Do I know where I stand with God? No I don’t. I cant say with complete confidence that there is one. I know there's something out there. Maybe its energy. Maybe its something else. I don’t know, but what ever it is, I can respect it.