So tell me about yourself…

I'm easily perplexed by this statement.

I know my name, my weight, my ethnic background and the hobbies I enjoy. But that’s about it. I wish I knew myself at a deeper level, but I don’t. I don’t think there is one thing or person to blame. The areas in which I know myself are few and far between.

I want to understand my core values and philosophies.

I want to understand love, and my relationships with others.

I want to understand my relationship with food. And the connection food has on our mental and physical well being.

I want to love who I see in my mirror.

I want to know who I am.

So here we go….

 Starting this blog has brought so many tears. Some good but mostly scared. Growing up I was taught that vulnerability was not a strength but a weakness. We were taught to rub some dirt on it and keep moving.

 Fear has controlled a lot of my adult life. I hate that about myself. Fear causes me to anticipate the worst situation possible. Then my palms get sweaty, my heart beats like crazy, and my stomach churns. My therapist calls it PTSD, but I don’t like labels.

 You know that feeling of fear, and adrenaline when something really scares you? I've had that for about 10 years. So it kind of inhibits my daily life. Things like starting this blog makes my mind races with all of the ways that I could fail, and ‘what ifs.’

 I am really good at ignoring the fact that I'm so terrified of things that really shouldn't be scary. I can easily set my mind to one thing and run with it. Like schooling. I'm studying to be a registered dietitian, and it is a great distraction. I can use studying as an excuse. It works like a charm.

 But that is about to change. Instead of putting off the things that I should be facing, I am taking them on. I've ignored a lot of the reasons why I'm scared. I've distracted myself long enough. Its time to dive in, head first.

 Its extremely painful, but I know the end result will be worth it.

 You know on Home Alone when Kevin McAllister screams outside, "Hey, I'm not afraid anymore." One day, that will be me.

And its going to be powerful. Until then, I’ll just keep working on it. Because fear is a bitch. Truly, a bully. The narrative I hear is “Are you kidding? You honestly think you can do that? Silly girl! You’re too small, too dumb, inadequate. Oh your stomach hurts, better lay down.”

Shh.. Turning off that inner critic is the hardest thing to do. You’re not alone in trying to hush that voice. I am going to try my hardest, because its not easy.