Small and Insignificant

I met up with a friend last week for dinner. This is the first time I have seen her in almost ten years! As fun as it was, it reminded me of a time when I felt small and insignificant. Talking to her transported me back to a different time with a very different Dyanna.

We met during my first marriage. She told me that I was usually bubbly, but she could tell when I was starting to wear down, and my spirit was fading. The phrase I always used was "I'm fine." This is a time that I have blocked from my mind. But what she was saying was so eye opening, and sadly enough, very triggering.

This friend of mine is so incredible. She may be another soul mate, we immediately just clicked. We are one and the same and it is awesome. I absolutely love her, and adore her. She is one of the funniest people I know! She is one of the few people that can make me laugh a deep belly laugh!

But seeing her again, and reminiscing about that time in my life, ripped off a band aid. It was like a band aid over a bullet hole. I was only fooling myself, thinking I was ok. Everyone else knows I'm hurting. I like to fool myself, and tell myself "I'm fine." The wounds from this time in my life manifested in ways that I didn’t realize. Extreme stress and anxiety, white knuckling through pain, minor disassociation, loss of my sense of humor. My body suffered the most. I became very tense especially in my upper body. I thought I was doing ok, but I had severe tension headaches that started in my neck, traveled across my head and made it to my eye ball. My eyes feel like they are stuck in vice grips. My forearms are sore because I tense my arms and hands so much. My jaw is also tense. I clench my teeth when I sleep. When I say clench I mean I’ve had a crown replaced because I shattered it. I’ve cracked teeth and have had fillings done, and a special night guard to protect my teeth. My immune system was shot and would wake up with horrific respiratory infections. Thats the type of anxiety and pain I held in my body.

I never told anyone just how bad my marriage was. I never told my family, his family, my friends or co-workers. I just carried on like everything was fine. When in reality, I was barely holding it together. I know others noticed, because they would say comments like, "Wow. Rough day huh?" or "Are you ok?" A majority of the time, my hair was kind of half done. My outfits looked ratty and worn out. I lost weight. And I'm sure I looked sad. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who was sad. I was sad. Everything lost color. I felt small. My voice was silenced, and my personality and spirit was almost completely gone.

The phrase 'small and insignificant' is the first thing that popped into my head when I tried to decipher what I was feeling. And that is exactly what I felt, and still feel about myself sometimes. My first husband was really good at subtly chipping away at my spirit. I wasn’t allowed to drive, or carry money with me. My friend reminded me of how many times I said 'no' to her, when asked if I wanted to grab lunch. I never did anything! She said I was "dedicated". She thought I was dedicated to healthy eating, but in reality I only had a packed lunch. I didn’t have any other way to get something else if I wanted too. I remember saying yes to her one time and looking in my wallet to see $2!!!!! I told her, “you know what, I’m ok”… I bought a cream of wheat from the cafeteria and saved it for lunch. I ate cold cream of wheat for lunch, I splurged and paid $0.50 for berries on top. I was a small and insignificant person.

The reason I'm writing this, is because of the deep chasm of pain that it has caused. It’s part of the introductions, because unfortunately it has been an identifier for me. I was so embarrassed to say I was divorced. I was embarrassed that I could get into that situation. It has caused so much pain, and misunderstanding in my life, that it really is a very BIG part of me.

So this is small and insignificant Dyanna. When I process the most painful times in my life, I see myself as small. I try and tap into that person and she is timid, small, scared, abused, and insignificant. I know that is not who I am, I’m learning to look back at those times and crawl out of that mindset. How others treat you is not up to you. Yes there are awful people who think it’s ok to trample others for their gain. They are sick and need serious help. As much as you want to help them, you cannot. You cannot change them, but you can change yourself. You can love yourself despite what others say or do. I had to choose to get out of that. I had to choose to grow from those experiences. I had to wake up and realize that I was in pain. It has taken me years of suffering to realize I can change. I was not who they said I was. I was not insignificant. I was not small. I am important. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am sensitive. I am Dyanna. I am a relevant part of humanity. I try so hard to be kind and show love to everyone. I try everyday to heal and give myself grace.

If you feel small and insignificant, I’m here to tell you, you are NOT!! You are not what they say you are! If someone is trying to diminish your spirit, get out! Run as fast as you can! Things can be replaced. Don’t worry about what you will lose. What you will gain from leaving will be far greater than anything or anyone left behind. I promise. I left my husband, and my in laws and their dog that I loved, and my future (or so I thought). But running and leaving was the best choice I have made in my life. Because now I am happier than I could ever be. My life has not been easy and getting to this point has been ugly. I continue to have battles, but I am healthy. I am happy. I have support and love in my life that I have never had before. If I didn’t leave, I doubt I would be alive. You can do it. It wont be an easy road but it will be worth it!

I promise.