The Impossible Task...

Yesterday, I went to Zumba and felt great! I had a game plan in my head, I knew what I wanted to do. But that idea fell apart when I got home. I took a shower and could feel the life draining from my body, like soap down the drain.

Depression has set in. It feels like someone is dimming the lights, until they are out, completely. Smiling is a chore. Every idea I had was gone and seemed impossible.

On the drive home from Zumba I thought about what I was going to eat. I had a nice smoothie planned but after the shower I climbed in bed and couldn’t leave. I couldn’t get up. Standing up seemed impossible. I’m not sleeping, I’m just laying there. 

For anyone who has or had depression knows what the impossible task is. The most menial tasks like eating, going to the grocery store, putting dishes away, going to the bathroom seem so hard. My brain usually thinks about what I should do but I physically can’t do it. I can’t get my body to move. I also feel hungry but nothing sounds good. The thought of making food or actually eating is so distant. I feel like I’m standing on one edge of a canyon, and everything I want to do is on the other side of the canyon. There are a million things in the way, and your brain just automatically eliminates the possibility of doing whatever it is you need to do.

Do you remember the dementors from Harry Potter? JK Rowling has said the dementors are based off of her experience with depression. “Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself — soul-less and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.” (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) That is so accurate. All of the joy is sucked out of you. When I’m depressed I’m always cold, and only want blankets, fuzzy socks, sweaters. Anything to keep me warm physically, and receive some sort of comfort.

I finally got out of bed at about 8 in the evening.  Made some pasta, ate and went right back to bed. I fell asleep at about 10, woke up at 7 and got out of bed. It still feels a little heavy. I now feel like I’m walking upstream or against the waves. The shore is so close, but your legs are working so much harder against the water. You have the motivation to keep moving, but something like walking requires a lot more energy.

I treated myself to breakfast, and it tasted ok. It didn’t get my brain as excited as it usually does with food. But that’s what depression does to you. It kills the joy, and takes the light out of the things you love the most. Until you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to empathize. So please be respectful to people who are experiencing something like this.

If you are reading this, I am so sorry! I truly am. I know how hard it is to function normally with such a debilitating disease. There is help. Seek it. And if you don’t know where to turn, start with psychologytoday.com. This a great first step to finding what fits your needs. You can find a therapist in your area, with insurance, without insurance.

If money is an issue, please don’t let that stop you. Invest in yourself. Invest in your health. You deserve to have more good days than bad. You are worth the fight. I started saving $150 every two weeks. I have an automatic transfer set up, so I don’t even think about it. The money is there. You can also tell your therapist if money is an issue, and they can help schedule a time that works with your schedule and your budget.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are or want to go to therapy. I have been actively seeing my therapist every week for the last year, and I love it! I have no shame in telling people that I see a therapist, and neither should you. The ones that scoff or tease probably need it more than anyone. But we are not here to judge. If you want to see a therapist, please do it.

One thing to keep in mind, it’s going to take time and a lot of work. This is not a quick fix.  Talking about it and actually seeing the areas in your life that need attention, is only half the battle. There is a lot of work that needs to be done outside of therapy, but it is worth it. Another thing that I did not know about therapy, is sometimes your therapist may not be a good fit for you. That is ok. You can tell them, "you know I really don’t think we are a good fit", and ask for a recommendation or start looking for another therapist. That is fine. I’ve had to do that before, and it was a relief because they took it so well. It wasn’t like a normal break up, she listened asked a few more questions and said ok.

I love that I finally found someone that I could be totally honest with. I can let it all out, and she does not flinch or bat an eye. She encourages me to say what I’m feeling, even if its strewn with profanity. It has not been easy. And I don’t see it getting any easier anytime soon, but it is worth it. I have so many wounds that I have patched up, over and over again. Now it’s time to heal them. They are wounds of various sizes, some are not as life threatening, where some make me feel like puking just talking about them. They are deep and have defined a lot. Those have not been uncovered, but boy they are there.

I can tell you this. Uncovering and healing those areas of hurt are a relief. A huge relief. I’ve been looking for that sense of calm, and security for so long. I thought I would find it in other people, and places, and I didn’t. Those painful memories stayed with me, travel with me, go with me in every relationship. I realized the commonality in every awful thing I was experiencing, was me. I am finally feeling distance from those painful things that I had in my life because I’ve been working my ass off! It hasn’t happened over night, there are plenty of ups and downs, but the downs are not as frequent, and not as steep. I used to tail spin into depression and bad moods often. They still happen, but I’ve learned what my triggers feel like and how to help myself crawl out of that hole. It’s possible to find relief. I’m proof.

If you do not experience something like this, kudos. I will ask you, be patient and loving to those that do. It’s hard to understand, I get it. I didn’t understand until I experienced it. Before you jump to the conclusion that you know what they’re feeling. You don’t! I can promise you, you have no idea. Until you have walked this road, you don’t understand what the impossible task is, and thats ok. All you can do is be patient. Throw your arms around them, kiss their forehead, give them authentic words of affirmation or whatever their love language is, and thats it.

To those that know what the ‘impossible task’ is without explanation. I see you. I feel your pain, and heart ache. It’s going to be ok. Speak up, and seek help. Click the Psychology Today link I provided to find your own therapist. Take it one day at a time. Deep breath my love. You’re going to get through this.