Swimming upstream…

I grew up in a very religious household. The world I lived in was very close minded. We all acted the same way, we all dressed the same way, talked the same way, and thought the same.

Have you seen on nature documentaries salmon that swim against the current? They return the place where they were hatched in order to procreate. However, after their “task” is complete, they die. I felt like my previous life choices were similar. I felt like I was giving so much energy and still swimming against the current. Occasionally I would be swept up and go with the flow, but I would “wake” up from that, and continue to work against the current. I chose to leave that world, and as scary as it was, it was very freeing. One day I just woke up. I realized, man this isn't working for me anymore. I cant keep forcing myself to fit a mold that I will never fit in.

I am spending precious time and energy on something that is hurting and not lifting me up. The feelings people had or claimed they had never made sense to me. Occasionally I would think I had them, but for some reason they felt forced and fake. I was desperately trying to “fit in” meaning I was pretending that was the life I wanted.

The difference between who I was than and who I am now, is varied slightly. I wouldn’t say different but I do have a new perspective. I still have the same values, like living the golden rule, but I view life a little differently. Being more open minded has allowed me to meet amazing people, and to see that the world is not as intimidating as I thought.

Stepping back into the previous world or group I ran with is slightly triggering. The way they talk, the sense of uniformity, their sense of humor, the way they dress. Its all to familiar and kind of upsetting.

Its hard to find a sense of independence. Everyone is told how their lives should be shaped, and the steps that can be taken to achieve ultimate happiness. As a women, especially, I felt stripped of the things that made me unique. Having to be told what I should or shouldn’t be doing, was exhausting. I was a very square peg, trying to fit into a very round hole. It just wasn’t going to work. As hard as I tried, I had this constant overwhelming feeling that I was never going to measure up to what was expected of me.

Let me paint a picture. What if you were told that the only way to true happiness, was loving the color blue. Everything was blue. Your clothes, your hair, your house, the clothes your kids wore, were blue. The husband you married was also a blue fanatic. Now you were told, ok having all this blue in your life is going to create ever lasting happiness. You are a woman, so your job is to spread the blue. Bake blue cookies. Knit blue blankets and give them away. Encourage everyone you know to wear the color blue. You are the keeper of the blue. All of the true blueness lies within you. Your children will know about the color blue because of you. So no pressure, but, be the blue.  Well lucky for me, my favorite color is red. I love red. Its never hurt me, its never hurt anyone. It’s just red. So I occasionally wear red, my confidence in red is obvious. I love red. That’s what it felt like. Everyone got the blue memo. I naturally like red. See where I'm going with this? No one told me to be different, I just am.

This is obviously an analogy for much bigger topics. But it’s the most unbiased way I can explain my feelings.

 I felt like I was being forced into a way of life that I knew I didn’t want. Sitting there and listening to those messages always made me dread growing up. I didn’t want to live that life. I didn’t want to be forced to be someone that I wasn’t. 

The hardest part of this journey, was seeing what I assumed was joy, in everyone's lives. The blue lovers. It seemed to work. So what made me so different? Why didn’t I find the happiness in that lifestyle that others did? Was it because it just didn’t make sense? Was it because of stubbornness? Was it because I saw how negatively it effected others? Was it because I saw so many people lie about their true feelings? They were secretly yellow lovers and green lovers, but had to say they loved blue for tradition?

I am Dyanna. I have goals and aspirations for my life. They look a lot different than what I imagined and definitely different than a majority of people that I know. But I have learned that I am in control of my life. I can be whoever I want. I can have whatever I want. The steps to get there may be a lot longer or different than what I expected, but I know I can get there.