Authentic self...

Do you feel like yourself? Do you live an authentic life? Do you feel honest to yourself? If not, why? What has to change to make that happen? If you do, I applaud you! At least one of us has this down. 

I feel like two different people live inside my heart. One version of Dyanna who is what everyone expects. She follows the rules, she avoids pushing the boundaries. She speaks exactly as anticipated. The people who raised me, know this version. She’s tough, and driven without any sign of slowing down. She’s stubborn, she’s more reserved as far as depth goes. She’s very “what you see is what you get. There’s nothing more”

Then there’s me. Or what feels the most like me. I’m sensitive. My beliefs are more open minded, and my opinions are self discovered. Not given or influenced by others. Like they used to be. I used to depend on what others thought, or how they thought, their hobbies, and their ideas. I was a little chameleon, trying desperately to fit in. I wanted to find my tribe that I could relate to. And that meant ignoring myself, and trying to be just like everyone else. I went with the crowd. If they were against something, so was I. Very "hive" minded, but I was ignoring myself.

I told a friend once, I had no idea who I was. I didn’t know what I believed in, or what my hobbies were. I was too afraid to open up and say my true thoughts. I had buried them down for so long. And for what? To eventually feel lost and afraid of authenticity? 

My authentic self has been buried. She's been hiding underneath fear, and confusion. I didn’t know how to take a stand for what I believed in. Or to speak up for those that I thought were right. Does that make sense? I wasn’t apart of any rally or protests, in fact I was too afraid to show my face. Or heaven forbid, have a picture of me and someone sees it. But I couldn't let anyone know that I was actually for those that were taking a stand. Why?

Because of the "hive minded" culture I was in. Everyone I know does the same thing as their neighbor, and sister, and parents, and grandparents, and friends. They all look the same, talk the same, act the same. Believe the same. To question or ask why was out of the ordinary. You didn’t do that. You just do what everyone else does. Because image is everything.

It feels like deep down inside, my real heart is beating. And I'm afraid that if I show that side of myself, I'll be shunned. The coffee loving, open minded, occasional "fuck" saying lady will be shunned. 

If I'm being honest with myself, what I feel and who I think people want to see are totally different. So what do I believe in?

I believe in fairness.

I believe there is a higher power. Do I know what that means? No. I cant say its God or something else. What I do know is something needs to be respected.

I believe in supporting those that love how they love

I believe in hard work and tenacity

I believe in kindness, and compassion

I believe in sensitivity, and hoping for the best

I believe in respect. Respect for people, their decisions, respect for plants, animals, myself

I believe in hugs and holding hands

I believe in crying, and the ugliness that life brings. To embrace it, and let it build us into better versions of ourselves.

I believe in change. If I can do it, so can you. 

I believe in authenticity. I feel the most beautiful when I embrace me. When I know I am speaking or acting from my true heart. When I am speaking with love, kindness, respect, but staying true and authentic to me.