Trust me...

I was really fighting the gym tonight. I was nervous and dreading the workout. The last time I did this class, it did not end well. So going back had a little trauma attached to it. When I walked in, a friend said "Hey you left early, are you ok?" So I told her what happened and she said "Oh girl, I have totally had that before. Its so scary and I'm so sorry that happened to you." I felt instant relief. Phew. Knowing I'm not the only one gives instant relief in helping me understand what is going on.

At this point, quitting would be an easy out. And normally I would. I wouldn’t go back or even attempt to workout for a few more months, but I paid for the class. So.. I went back. I also wanted to get over the fear that was created from my last experience. That was not normal and it couldn’t happen twice in a row, right? Well lucky for me it didn’t. But it did highlight my lack of self trust.

Our brains are hard wired for survival. Because my last experience felt like a threat to my life, my apprehension wasn’t surprising. But the threat wasn’t real, and I had to come back to reality and tell my brain we're ok. If I didn't go back I would go into my old patterns of letting fear take over.

Like I mentioned in my last post, I used to pick goals that were just out of reach. I knew I couldn’t complete it, and when I didn’t I would shrug my shoulders and just move on. Unfortunately that had some pretty big consequences. I developed a lot of mistrust with myself. I learned that I was never going to go through with it. So when I wanted to do something my first initial thought was cool, I'm going to do it. That high of wanting to do something, learn something stays for a while. Actually up until I'm a little into starting said project.

Then I get lazy and I start to lose the end goal. The sight gets a little fuzzier, and the drive starts to fizzle. I kind of knew it. I anticipated that I wouldn’t make it, or keep it going. This happens from years of allowing myself to quit, and giving myself permission to fall short. I lost a lot of trust in myself.

You know that saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." That was me. Once I felt a little discomfort I would allow it, and just get out. Instead of embracing the discomfort and learning from it, I did the easy thing. I got out. Funny thing about me, I have my cosmetology degree and more specifically I'm certified to do lash extensions in both volume and classic. The big hurdles that come with that are daily practice, and self marketing.

They’re not particularly hard, but they do require some criticism and a lot of discipline. I want the success and flexibility that doing lashes would give me, but the uphill push it takes before the success turns me off.

I don’t know where that attitude came from exactly but I can guess. I have not experienced projects, businesses, or anything like that from the very beginning. I usually jump in or get invited in about half way through, when most of the rough spots of startups is almost done. I’ve heard of the hard times, and have seen the aftermath and clean up a tiny bit of what’s left. But really I just enjoy the ride.

I like to take calculated risks, so to have a startup or start something on my own without knowing the outcome is very scary. My fear of the unknown takes control and I completely lose my end goal. I don’t trust that I can do it.

My imposter syndrome takes hold and it’s all over. I follow an IG account called The Holistic Psychologist. She teaches how to learn to trust yourself again. She suggests starting with something small and keep those promises to yourself. I’m trying to do that with my new goals for 2020, by making them within reach. I set them at my level and changed the perspective. Heres a great video she made explaining this.

Sometimes they seem too easy but the point is to complete it and prove to myself that I can do it. I’m trying not to set the goals too far in the future but something I can do daily without setting additional pressures. The deadlines are what they are. My goals in the past were ridged and more painful then helpful. Which was another reason why I would let them go so easily.

When it comes to lashes there are other things getting in the way, and according to my therapist….. it’s time to lean in! Ugh! So that’s what I’m doing. This is not a one day fix. This does not have an expiration date. I’m sure over time it will get easier, but it will definitely take work and a lot of mental blocks to overcome. But worth it.

Self trust effects many aspects of my life. Sometimes in big ways and sometimes in small ways. And always when I don’t want it too. I want to look in the mirror and like who I see. She is a strong woman. She is determined and nothing will stand in her way.