What a decade...
The start of this decade, 2010 was rough. In January my first marriage was at its worst, and my life felt like it was crumbling and there was nothing I could do to stop it. In February I left my husband and moved in with my parents. It took me about 3 months to make the decision to get divorced and it was made official on July 23, 2010.
In 2011 I decided that this year was going to be the best one yet. I remember watching fireworks and thinking, it can’t get any worst so mine as well make it the best. 2011 is going to be the best year ever. I moved out of my parent’s house in February and came back to Arizona. My first year as a divorcee was HARD! I questioned what I was doing time and time again. I tried to go out and date and be more social but it was more triggering than helpful. I did not feel like myself at all, and could not figure out who I was. I was married and now I'm not. I was a social butterfly and now I was a skittish pigeon. My foundation was shaken, and my overall outlook on life felt like it was in a game of boggle. I had to remind myself that after the first year it’s going to get better. You will survive and you will grow.
The next few years, went a lot like this. There were some great ups and some pretty awful lows. I tried so hard to figure out all kinds of relationships but I did not feel like myself until about 2013. It was a mixture of self-care, honesty, hormone therapy, great friendships and deep cleaning my life. I had to clean up my almost everything from my relationships that weren't serving me, and nourishing the ones that did.
I met Jonny in 2013, and the rest is history. We became friends, and couldn’t fight our attraction any longer. Ha! We started dating later that year. We have had our fair share of ups and downs and learning opportunities. My relationship with Jonny is so important to me. It’s the first relationship I've had that feels real. I was in a much healthier place to even consider a relationship. I've had to work on familial relationships with Jonny's family all while figuring out mine. Something that I never really thought about. I've had to learn how much my actions affect others, how strong and powerful words are. I've learned about the consequences of my choices for myself and others.
Its been a long and hard road, but one thing I've learned to appreciate is the peace that the hard work brings. After these hard moments or learning opportunities, there is a greater knowledge of insight and how to maintain that peace. Its something that I constantly think about, and when things start to go awry, I can catch myself from letting it go further.
The real change has come about in 2018. These last two years, I've become even more aware and had an even greater desire to change myself for the better. I grew tired of myself. I did not like the person that I saw in the mirror. I was sick of feeling stuck and putting myself down. I took charge and went back to school, I found a great therapist, and I'm moving forward. I've fully immersed myself in wanting a better future. A future that I have created. I'm still not in a place that I want to be, but I have the tools to get there.
If I could use three words sum up what I’ve learned this decade, they are:
Boundaries
Alignment
Authenticity
I have goals for this upcoming year and have begun exploring what works for me and aligns with my authentic self. It’s a long road ahead that will most likely never end, but that’s ok. That’s the way life should be. I know that the person who is writing this today will be different in the next 10 years. Learning about myself has been the greatest tool to heal and create my life for me.
Onto the roaring ‘20s…