Thats a hard no...

I had a recovered memory. When I was dating my first husband, sex before marriage was a huge no! So we never did anything sexually beside kissing. But I do remember one particularly hot and heavy make-out session that took a turn.

I remember thinking to myself, this is going a little too far. I told him "Hey, let’s slow down." and he pretended he didn’t hear me. He just kept going. I was starting to get nervous because I had never been to this point before. What was happening? I thought I said something.. I stopped him again, and said "I don’t want to do this. We need to stop." He stopped, took a deep breath and got a weird look on his face. He called me a prude and leaned back. I told him I didn’t want to go any further, and I should probably go home.

He threw a temper tantrum and said things that gave me an awesome opportunity to feel so guilty. I know others cant make you feel a certain way, but it wasn’t easy to bypass those things. Obviously all moods were killed. All the feelings were smothered. There was only guilt and sadness left. I felt like I had to do it just to keep him happy. I immediately questioned why I said no. I question my morals. I questioned what was so wrong. It was just fooling around. It's not like anything bad was going to happen. I'm almost positive I wouldn’t go to hell. I think…

So I said yes. I let him do whatever he wanted. I caved under the pressure. I thought he was right and my own self-worth and self-respect plummeted. Not that there is anything wrong with fooling around or sex before marriage, but it was against my personal morals.

My personal choices were violated. My personal right as a human. I have the ability to choose what I want to do, when and with who. I thought my ex and I had the same standards. I don’t know why he felt like he could ignore my request to stop. If he was frustrated, he felt less power… I don’t know. But I do know, no one should ever feel like I did.

No means no. There is no black and white. There is no line of what is acceptable and what is not. None of it is acceptable. If there is a situation you are not comfortable with that is ok. Listen to those hesitations your mind is telling you. You chose your limits for a reason, and if they don’t align with someone else. That’s ok. There are plenty of other people who are ok with it.

This experience took me a while to work through, and I guess still working through. I mean it popped up again after 10+ years. It totally changed the way I viewed myself. I felt dirty, dishonest, and ugly. That incident tanked my self-esteem. I kept those feelings with me for years. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of respect. I was just an object. I was a prude. Who did I think I was? Who was I to say what should be done? I hated how I looked in the mirror and just saw a guilty, unworthy, person.

Remember the person you are with is also a person. Not someone just to meet your needs. They have feelings, standards, and barriers for a reason. So respect them. Communicate. Understand.

If someone tells you no...

1. RESPECT THE NO

2. You don’t need to know why

3. It’s not about you so get over yourself