Color blind...
Racism.
This has been staring back at me in the mirror all my life, and I have constantly ignored it. I thought I was doing myself and others a favor for not seeing race. I was wrong. For not seeing my race and for not seeing others race.
I grew up in a culture that was predominantly white. From the food we ate, the people we associated with, the words we used. White. There's nothing wrong with that, but I ignored my own brown skin.
I ignored my own culture and in turn my own struggles that I assumed were normal. I was also apart of a religion that is mostly white. The leaders are white males, and very much a patriarchal organization. If you've been around long enough you know I had to ask why. I did not see that they valued women (strike 1) and I didn't see anyone that looked like me (strike 2).
Growing up I was usually the only brown girl in my group of friends. I went to public school so I saw more diversity, but in my group I was the only one. When we played pretend or in my day Spice Girls and Power Rangers. I was told that I had to be Scary Spice or I had to be Trini the yellow ranger who was Vietnamese. In my mind I wanted to be Sporty and I wanted to be the red ranger, Jason. But I was told that’s who I was so I went with it.
When talking about religion with friends and I would tell them what I practiced I would hear phrases like, "Huh, really? I thought you were catholic." or "But you're brown and you have dark hair." or they would say I didn't look like I should be in that religion because of my skin color. When I started getting those questions, it made me think, and ask my favorite question, WHY!
Why did they think because of the way I looked I should be Catholic? Why can't I be what I was? Who decided what people should look like? I looked around and noticed they were right! I did not look like I belonged in this group. They were all white with blonde hair. I did not look like any of my friends. I was "exotic" as I've been told my whole life.
As a teenager, I started getting questions like "So what are you?" or "Your hair looks so much prettier straight". How do you answer what are you? I'll tell you. You don't. Because that is an ignorant question. I am a person. I am female. I am ME. Oh what is my ethnicity? What country do my ancestors come from? What region of the earth do my features come from? Oh gotcha. That’s different then "What are you?"
I remember when I first was told that my hair looks so much better straight. I was 12 years old and I went to visit my cousins in El Paso. They straightened my hair for the first time ever. I was so excited! I couldn't wait to show it off at school! What would my friends think? Who was I with this new hair? I walked in and everyone was shocked but at the end of the day, a boy that I've talked to one time (this interaction) said to me, "Hey you should wear your like that all the time, because your hair looks better than before." and of course his dumb ass friend said, "Yeah, you look prettier with your hair straight." I could hear my heart breaking. I was stunned. What? Am I ugly when my hair is its natural way? Its naturally very curly and frizzy so am I ugly? As a fragile 12 year old girl I was crushed. From that point on I only wore my hair up. I asked for a hair straightener for Christmas. I always wore my hair straight. I never wore it down and curly until my senior year of high school.
I hated the comments about my hair. It is what is. Huge and curly! I didn't know how to care for it or cut it so it looked like a triangle a majority of the time. Besides my hair, the weirdest and worst feeling was feeling like I was constantly on the outside. The religion I grew up in is very clique-ish. I've talked about this before, but most women look the same, talk the same, put their kids in the same activities. And if you don't fit any of those it's really hard to feel like you are accepted.
I know this is not true to everyone, there are some that are always welcoming and always kind, and I thank those that have always showed kindness. But the majority are not. Do you know the feeling of being different than everyone else? Not by your thoughts, ideas or the things that make you uniquely you, but because of the color of your skin? Because of the texture of your hair? Because of the color of your hair? I do. I know what it feels like to be on the outside. As hard I tried to fit in, something always kept me out. I used the excuse of history. "Oh they've known each other for years, we don’t have the same history." Not true. Every where my family and I moved to it was the same story. The same feeling. The one commonality. The amount of melanin in my skin. The skin cells that determine the color in someone's skin.
I was always on the outside. It wasn't until recently when I felt that same feeling. The cliques are literal circles. Circles that cant be infiltrated unless you look exactly the same. We're just not on the same playing field. Its that feeling that no matter how hard you try you will never be "in". As a child all I wanted was to feel like I was "in". I was accepted and I was seen. But that wasn't my reality.
If you're reading this and think, I'm out of my mind. Take a second. Look around? What do the people around you look like? Is it diverse? Do you have any close friends with a different culture than you? A different skin color? If not, why? Why is that? Why is it that the leadership is all men or all WHITE men? In regards to religion, do you really think god favors one color of skin over the other? You know Jesus was brown right? He's from the middle east. He probably looked more like the people you see today from the middle east. Not the way he is portrayed in pictures. People from the middle east are not received kindly. And yet, some people call themselves Christians without realizing that if Jesus were around today, you would not give him 2 seconds of your time. He would look exactly like the people that you choose not to associate with.
People say "you're so lucky to have tan skin, I love your hair. I wish I had curly hair. You don't have to whiten your teeth because you're so tan." But they only want the skin color. They don't want the prejudice, the inequality or mistreatment that comes with having tan skin. Its not a perfect world, and the features that you desire come with a price.
Do you know the limitation of your own view? I do. It hurts. That is why it is even more important for me to be an ally. I am standing with all the people that are fighting for racial equality. Its not made up. Racial inequality is real. I've had it my entire life. I've felt it in jobs, I've felt it when I was a child, I felt it when my "friends" told me to watch out for the border patrol. I felt in when, despite years more experience, was paid significantly less than my white counterpart. I feel even more of a responsibility with the combination of my own experience and what I have learned and seen to continue to fight. I will continue to support and use all that I can for true change. I want to teach my children what it means to truly LOVE EVERYONE. Children learn by example. What type example do I want to be to them?
That is why I am doing the work now. I am doing the work for me and for the future. Nothing changes if I don't.