Habits...
When I started asking myself why I also started asking 'What do I need?" When I talked to my "sponsor" weekly we would set goals of what do I need. I first had to discover what I was feeling.
I felt suffocated like I needed to bust out of my skin. I felt like something deep inside me was clawing its way out! There were times when I would sob my eyes out because I had no clue what I needed. But I knew I needed relief. One thing that always felt like relief was music.
I like dancing, and moving like a complete idiot! I like music that is loud and hits hard. I grew up listening to Reggaeton on full blast. If you listen to that genre at a low volume you're doing it wrong. I'm telling you, crank it up and just let the rhythm move through you. That music makes me feel like I can escape my body. I needed to find something that made me feel like I could escape every single day.
On top of needing loud music, I also need serenity. I need to escape my mind. I need to be able to retreat. You know when you go swimming, and the deeper you go the quieter it gets? That’s what I was looking for. So I began to search for what I could do EVERY FUCKING DAY to get that.
I didn't want it, I needed it. I needed every ounce of serenity and escape. So I found a quick solution. Walking. Walking Oceana and listening to music. I could get both without needing to work very hard. So for 30 days, I walked. I walked the same path and listened to loud, beat-heavy music. When my heart was feeling extra heavy I turned the music up louder and walked more. Poor Oceana put some miles on her little paws because I needed it.
There were days when my mind was racing so fast that I needed to talk it out. So on top of listening to music, I was rambling. Like a loon! I would talk through scenarios and feelings, Oceana would occasionally look back at me with a "You good?" look. I would cry on these walks, I would be angry, and I would be extremely sad. There were times when I did not want to go on a walk. Lucky for me Oceana also needed a walk, so when I couldn’t do it for me I did it for her.
On the days I was resistant to a walk I would force myself to run. Oceana is part husky and part Australian shepherd so my girl can run all day. Running gave me a new release. I would run, then run faster, and run a little longer. I like the way it felt to be out of breath. I liked the way it felt to make my lungs burn. I liked pushing myself to the point of tears. I would push my body well past the point of comfort just so I could get out of my skin. I needed it.
That’s when it clicked. I knew what I needed. I knew how to find release. Exercise. Not for any other reason than to get the wiggles out. I'm not doing it for a physique or for any other reason. I simply needed it. So my baseline was walking. I knew the path to walk, and how long it took. So if I couldn't do anything for whatever reason I always walked Oceana. After the 30 days, I stopped listening to the loud music and started listening to podcasts, TED talks, audiobooks, or something a little more soothing. Something out of enjoyment. Not necessarily for escape.
I started to add in more intense cardio exercises because again I wanted to escape my body. So I found some playlists on YouTube and got to work. Whether it was particularly difficult or not, I pushed myself. Just like running, I went harder then I thought I was physically capable of. All for the feeling of escape. Afterward I would lay down and feel that release. Like smoke after a fire is put out. The fire that burned within me was out. I didn’t force myself to do anything extra besides walking unless I wanted to.
I had found escape but I also needed serenity. So I searched. On my walks, I like the calm it could bring when I didn't have to think. I could just listen to the words. Turning off my brain was the next task. I had to find my baseline. Just like walking was my exercise baseline what would be my mental baseline?
I found a meditation which was 5 minutes. And in the meditation the teacher says, do this meditation or any other meditation for 30 days to see how it can change your life. Which I found ironic because I promised myself that I would walk for 30 days. What was the magic behind 30 days? I did it anyway. So for 30 days, I listened to the same meditation. It was 5 minutes. It was easy. It soothed my anxiety and it was a great way to start the day. That was and still is my baseline. After 30 days I started to add other meditations. Some that were longer.
At first, I didn't know how to turn off my thoughts. I had to find the right time for me to meditate and the right space. I learned that I like to do it first thing in the morning. After I brush my teeth. Trying to meditate with morning breath is so distracting. Sometimes I like to sit up, other times I need 4 pillows to feel extra comfortable.
That’s also when I discovered the water analogy I used earlier. I learned to sink deeper and deeper within me. To silence my brain. I'm learning to turn off my brain and go as far inside of myself as I can. I like the quiet. I like calm. I like the darkness. By the time this post goes up, I would have meditated for 83 consecutive days. I can do it in split seconds when I need to gather myself, I can also do it for long amounts of time. My longest mediation is 63 minutes.
I have two habits that I have incorporated into my life that are beneficial. That I love. They were not pretty at first. I was sloppy and I had to force myself at times to do them. Here's what I learned with setting habits. I think this could be applied to just about anything.
Know why you want it. Say it out loud. Write it down and don't forget why.
Set a baseline. A baseline is easy, it’s not too far out of your normal routine. It’s doable in any situation. Sick, happy, sad, angry, crunched for time. It can be done. At least 30 days straight. It can be 5 minutes a day or 1 minute a day. 1 word a day, 1 page a day, one of anything. Consistency is key.
Give yourself grace. Be patient with the process. It's going to be ugly at first, but it will stick. Just keep with it. If you need to read your why, put it on your mirror. Recite it out loud 10 times a day. When you get tired or want to skip it for one day, you can snap out of it and do it anyway.
Share your progress. Tell someone how far you've come, and what your next goal with this new habit is. Be careful who you pick. Tell someone who is going to be supportive. If you don’t have that person, find someone who you admire or does something that you want.
Keep going. Challenge yourself to go out of the baseline. When you have done your habit for 30 days, push the limit. What else can you add? Can you do it more? Can you do it with more intent? Can you find new ways to incorporate your habit?
Trying to start a new habit is not easy. I think back when my parents taught me how to brush my own teeth. My parents asked me every day if I brushed my teeth. They showed me for YEARS! They reminded me for YEARS. Finally, they didn't have to remind me anymore. When my parents asked, I said yes. Was it a perfect brush job, definitely not! But the habit of brushing your own teeth takes over. Now I can't imagine not brushing my teeth. I can’t meditate without minty fresh breath.
Don't confuse habits with lifestyle changes. A habit should be something that your life does not depend on. Don't make it something like drinking water, or eating a salad. Or not doing something. Don't make it not drinking alcohol. Those are not habits. Those are lifestyle choices those are needed for survival. When you are deciding on a habit pick something that you NEED in your life. I needed serenity, and escape. I needed something that would help me incorporate that into my life. Now I can't imagine without finding that feeling of serenity. The goal was not to meditate daily, its what I found to help me clear my mind. The goal was not to exercise, the goal was to escape. These are not one and done activities. You cannot escape your mind once and hope it sticks. You need to do it daily. Just like everything else.
The reason why I say don’t pick a lifestyle change is this. A choice to eat healthier should be for your health, not for esthetics. Health is a very complex goal. One that stems deeper than nutrition. Health is physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional. Eating healthy is going to take trial and error and you will experience failure and success at different times in your life. But incorporating a goal that can bring calm or focus can be infused in all aspects of your life. Pick a goal that can help you across many subjects. Think of yourself, and your relationships.
Think of what is not serving you now. Think of what you want to change or what you want to become. Look to those that you admire. What it is about them that you love? Ask them how they got there. Please remember to be patient with yourself. It is going to take time and it’s going to take consistency. It will be ugly, but it will be worth it.
If I want to continue on the path I am on for personal growth. I need to do it DAILY! I cannot stop. Or the predator comes back. I will easily slip back into the hurt person that is always on the defense. Covered in thorns and avoiding the pain. While meditation, has helped to soothe me, it has also made me more sensitive to my needs and emotions. I'm able to decipher quickly what is coming and up and you have to name it to tame it. When I feel that 'busting out of skin feeling' I know what to do. I walk daily to help get ahead of that, but if it does come on strong I know what to do. I know how to alleviate that feeling. My relationships are important to me, and who I was, was hurting more than helping. I was hurting myself more than I was helping. I could barely keep my head above water. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be free of those limitations.
That is my why.