Its not me... Its you... (Pt.2)

WARNING: SOME LANGUAGE MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE

On the flip side of that level of emotional abuse, I became submissive. Whatever he wanted, I did. If he would yell at me to shut up. I did it. If he told me to change my hair style, I did it. He asked me to never laugh in public. I did it. I immediately submitted to what he wanted at all times. I stopped thinking that it was ridiculous or fighting it. I just did it. Over time I transformed into a little zombie. I wanted to keep him happy and loving me, so I did what he wanted. My way of thinking about myself was very little. I actually stopped thinking about myself all together. I stopped dressing for myself, or even doing my hair. I stopped eating, I stopped working out, and doing all the things that I enjoyed. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high.

I felt like a little ghost walking around. I was invisible. I lost all desire to connect with people, and to be connected to my family. One thing that my husband did that I didn’t realize until years later, was the wedge that he placed between me and a lot of the people that I love.

He called my best friend and told her that she was a bad influence and a bad person, and she cant talk to me anymore. I had no idea. She just stopped calling and I had no idea why. She told me about this about a year ago. She told me how she felt and how hurt she was, and I had no idea. I was heart broken when she told me. I was so sad that he would do that to someone that meant so much to me. When she got married and had her first baby, she was so distant and I had no idea why. I thought it was because I didn’t make the effort to continue our friendship during our marriage. I blamed myself for years for ruining my friendship with her. It wasn’t me, but what people like my ex do, is make others feel like its all their fault.

Because he cant be formally diagnosed without seeing a therapist, I'm not saying this is what he is. But he does display behaviors consistent with those diagnosed as narcissist. When I learned that, my therapist said the biggest help would be research. So I have read articles and journals about narcissism, and books for those that are in relationships with narcissistic partners. How to heal from a relationship like that, etc. The most confusing part was wondering how I got to that place.

I've heard over and over again that you attract the energy that you put out or what you’re used to. And though this isn't an exact science, victims of abuse attract abusers. This tidbit of information left me so confused. I've never been treated this way. How would I attract someone like this? And than it clicked.

I have been talking about this for years. There is someone in my life that has made it insanely hard to feel worthy. No matter what I did, I was never worthy of love. I would try and try and try, and I always fell short.

My mother.

When my therapist and I came to this conclusion, I felt like I was going to puke! I was light headed, and my mouth was watering, I had double vision, my chest felt like it was being crushed. I grabbed a trash can just in case. And than it was instant relief. I could feel pieces of my life starting to make sense. I had instant flash backs of times in my life where this was obvious, and phrases that I've said about her that I brushed off.

As I've done my own work and have started to understand my parents as adults, as people, and not as my parents. It just makes sense. I've had a weird feeling of being invisible. Like its hard for me to fit in. I'm not like anyone in my family. I've always felt like the black sheep and I could not figure out why.

The more that I have talked to Amy, she's been asking me a series of questions to understand my family. The more I’ve learned that I’m not the black sheep, but molded and manipulated to feel that way. I understand why I've had those feelings. Maternal narcissists target daughters more than sons. Not that its limited to daughters, but daughters can feel more threatening. Mothers like this also want their daughters to be just like them. AND I WAS!!!!!