Its not me.. Its you... (Pt.3)

WARNING: SOME LANGUAGE MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE

That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom wanted me to be just like her and I was making my way to that. Someone who lacked empathy. Someone who oozed negativity. Someone who didn’t care how she effected others. Someone who could talk about their friends behind her back without a single ounce of remorse. I used to be extremely negative. I also didn’t know how to see the good in others. I didn’t know how to be warm and loving. I only saw one thing growing up. That was my mom. I was young and naïve and didn’t realize that there was a different way.

I used to wish I was nice, and I would set a timer and say ok I’m going to be nice to everyone for 1 day. I thought kindness and warmth was something people were born with. And I didn’t get that gene so that never could be me. I admired people that were optimistic and uplifting to everyone else. I did not understand that was something that was created. You create your outlook on life, and you create your heart to see others for their best.

What I'm working on is forgiving myself. I am not my mother, and as hard as she tried, I am still me. I am Dyanna. I am sensitive. I am kind. I choose to see others for their best. I choose to love with warmth and empathy. I was young, and as my ex-husband like to call it, "moldable". But I am not young anymore. I am not moldable by others. What they are, is not on me. They have their own issues and mental illness that cannot be changed by anyone but themselves. To let go of the guilt that I feel for allowing that into my life is hard. I feel stupid for associating with someone like my ex. I'm embarrassed. I'm so ashamed. But now I understand why. The more I research, and get to know myself, I know the forgiveness will follow.

Forgiveness and grace for yourself takes time. I don’t know when, and I’m still figuring out how. That is a journey unique to each person. We are each allowed our time for the process of grief. Amy has told me that I will grieve and I need to understand and embrace each stage. I thought my mom and I could mend our relationship one day, but we cant. What I wish we had will never happen. And that’s ok. I have others in my life to reach out to when I need nurturing. I have built a family of people that I know I can rely on emotionally. They are the ones that I can be totally vulnerable in front of. I can tell them when I'm not doing ok. We can celebrate our victories as well as give constant love and support. I luckily have many people like that in my life. I am beyond grateful. I feel so lucky/blessed whatever you want to call it to be where I am. As you can see it was an ugly journey, but well worth it. I feel relief and healing taking place.

For years I felt scarred, and unlovable. I was just a mean person who could never change, but that is not true. The sensitive person that I have always been can shine through. I can show love. I can show vulnerability. I can show my support and love for others as much as I want. I am safe to be me.