I'm sorry....

I spoke about an incident that happened between my neighbor and me on my Instastories. She's about 9 years old, and one day I heard what sounded like a cap gun. I turn around and see her shooting my chickens with her airsoft gun. I said "Hey, what are you doing?" and she immediately said, "I'm sorry!"

I stood there stunned. What did I just witness? Was she really shooting my chickens? I walked over to her and said "You cannot do that! You cannot shoot my chickens! I need to talk to your parents immediately!" She said, "They're not home." I said, "That’s ok I need whoever you are home with right now!"

I marched my little behind to her house to tell them what happened. Little did I know that she had already told her older brother so when I went to the door he said "I'm so sorry, it will never happen again." I had no words. All I could muster was "ok."

A few hours later her parents came to our door with her and as soon as I opened the door she said again "I'm sorry." I had this speech ready, but the quick response just took the words right out of my head. She said it, and I felt if I continued with what I felt, would take it too far. The whole interaction took about 5 seconds. Then they turned and left.

That was it. I was mystified. What just happened? This caused my mind to race, and question why that was her response, and why was it so quick?

Of course, I went back to my own experiences as a child who was forced to say I'm sorry. I wasn’t taught empathy. Which I think maybe the same experience. Her response was so quick and it lacked remorse. It lacked the true essence of understanding that your actions hurt someone. You fucked up. You are the one that caused pain to another. I didn’t have that. It felt more like avoiding consequences.

When it comes to apologies, empathy is difficult and is the one half of apology that takes the longest amount of time. It takes time to put yourself in another person's shoes to truly understand the pain inflicted. I will say, for me, this concept wasn’t learned until much later. Mostly because I didn’t want to face it. I didn't want to admit that I inflicted pain on another.

I do believe that seeds could have been planted. I could have been taught to understand or begin to see that the reason why someone was mad, or upset, or what role I played. When there was an incident my parents were mad and that was it. I had to apologize because they were mad. There was a huge chunk missing in apologies. I lacked the discussions that could have happened.

I wish I knew why. Any sort of conversation would have been helpful, even afterward. When my parents would say things like "You need to apologize to her right now." or "Say sorry! Right now!" I don’t remember why I had to apologize. I would have liked to hear:

“Hey, when you say this or do this, that can hurt someone. We can’t pick and choose what hurts others, but if it does, we must acknowledge that we are responsible. We won’t always understand why or how, but that doesn’t matter. Because if someone tells you that hurt, you listen and you apologize.”

I wish I had the tools to begin empathy. Instead, apologizing was forced on me, and the punishment began an association that it was only bad.

Apologies are so hard and so steeped in shame that you have to admit that you did something wrong. That is what makes an apology, an apology. Taking responsibility. I think responsibility can be taught. I was taught to apologize exactly like my neighbor was. My parents yelled at me to say I'm sorry and followed this up with a consequence. Did everything that warranted an apology, need a spanking, or being sent to my room. No. But there could have been a conversation. There could have been more. But you cant teach more, when you don’t know more.

Learning this concept as an adult has been invaluable. I am so grateful that my husband lovingly taught me how to apologize. He did this with example and A LOT of patience. The other night we were discussing this exact thing, and he said "you know when we first started dating, you were terrible at apologies. You had a very I'm sorry, geez!" He said I also had a very "rub some dirt on it" attitude. I couldn’t comprehend why what I said was hurtful. I used to tell him "You need to get over it and just move on!" Yikes! No worries, I've apologized for saying that.

As an adult I've learned to take responsibility. I've learned to look at what my role is in whatever situation. I took a class that talked about apologies and my first initial thought was that is always my fault. But as I dove deeper, I realized that whatever the situation is, whether big or small, I have a role that I have played. I used to look at arguments as being the victim. This was a hard pill to swallow. I had played a role in almost every argument that has happened. Whether directly or not. Meaning, if I was tired and snapped, if my self-care was low and I was in a funk, that’s my role. Apologizing and taking responsibility for my role regardless is the change. That is where the magic of apologies lie.

In my experience, apologies are for you. Yes, we need to make amends and right our wrongs. However, when I have done wrong to someone, it is toxic to my soul. I feel terrible and the weight of my wrongdoings is heavy. I can’t stop thinking of what I did and how someone else is feeling because of my actions. When I apologize and take full responsibility, look at myself, and vow to be better than I was, feels better. I feel relieved that I have cleaned up my mess. It has also changed my attitude to apologies. I want to dive into what I did and relieve myself of them. I also want to be back in good standing with whoever I hurt. 

What was your experience with apologies? Did you learn this as an adult like me? Or were you one of the lucky ones who were taught young?