I’m not ready...

To say I feel ill equipped is an understatement. I know I question more than the average person, but I think it’s necessary.

I'm referring to motherhood.

For years there has been a lot of pressure from society, and my mother, to have a baby. Its not that I don’t want to, or I don’t admire mothers, but I'm not ready. I question, if I can help them through their problems? What if the crying is too much and I cant take it anymore? What If I don’t know why they’re crying? What if their head gets stuck in the banister? I saw a lady at the store scold her child for crying. I get that its annoying, but children don’t cry just to cry. There is a reason, and if I struggle to express myself, or self soothe, how can I teach that to someone else?

I question this all the time with various situations that I see in the public. How would I handle that? It mostly ends with me running the other way. The other day I had a panic attack, and I was so grateful that I didn’t have a child around to see that. I haven’t had one in about 10 years, so I had no idea how to handle what was happening. My heart rate sky rocketed up to 187, would calm down to 150, and back up to 170. It lasted about an hour and a half, but I struggled to say what I needed. My voice was so horse, and I couldn’t feel what I needed or much of anything. In that moment, I thought, yeah I'm not ready for a kid to see that.

When I go to the park and I see people with kids, I wonder if they thought about those questions before they had kids. Or did they just get pregnant because that’s what was expected? Did they think if they have the tools it takes to help a human develop all the necessary skills? That person is going to go on and have their own family, and a job, and a dog and interact with other people. Do you have what it takes? I know I don’t!! I don’t know how to be the mom that I think I should be. When I think of the mom that would make a positive impact on her children, I have no idea how to get there.

I get really sad when people say things like "Ugh. My kids are so annoying." or "What was I thinking?" I hear complaints about not being able to do anything, and it breaks my heart. Really? The time constraint didn’t cross your mind? Why would you have kids only to say that? Sure its exhausting but was that a factor when you decided to get pregnant? Or did you just imagine dressing them in cute clothes? Because I think of the former question all the time, and it terrifies me!

Am I ready to put my life on hold? Am I ready to give up my body for the next couple years to grow a human, push it out, and than recover? Am I ready for my boobs to be a life source? Am I ready to lose sleep for months on end? Am I ready to put my husband on the back burner because someone literally needs all of my attention to survive? Am I ready to watch that person grow and help them develop into a decent human being? Do I have those skills? I  can barely do it myself so how do I know what it takes? I know I’ve repeated myself, but it’s a big responsibility. Children are not children. They are adults! If I was treated like an adult, and not as a dumb kid, I imagine I would have a different outcome.

Are there things that you question like this? Did you feel forced or pressured into doing something you didn’t want to do? How have you worked through that? Is it something you want to work through?

I do want to answer these questions. I want to be in a place where I feel ready to make my own choice. I know it’s a couple years off, but I'm working on it now. When I have a teenager that is struggling with self confidence, I want to teach them from my own experience and short comings to work through that. I want them to feel wanted and loved, always. I have a short fuse that I'm learning to control. I saw my mom flip a few times and it was very traumatic. I still remember what I was wearing and what she said. I understand she's human, but it was a big deal. And I felt horrible. Its some of the few moments that I've talked to my therapist about.

Now we live in a world where being a good person is desperately needed. I cant raise an ass hole. There's plenty of those.