I see you…

A couple weekends ago, my workout instructor said if we wanted to take a master class with the inventor of a class called Bang, we could. So I thought, sure that sounds really fun. Wow. The class was incredible. First, the inventor walks in and seems slightly timid. She is a little older than I was expecting, but when she started dancing and teaching… Her energy was so intoxicating! Her dance moves were spot on, her punches and jabs were fierce.

The class was filled with instructors from all over, and the energy was vibrant, addicting, loud and so colorful! Everyone was giving 110%. As tired as I was, I wanted to keep going. I had to keep going! There was cheering, screaming, yelling! It was awesome!

This master class was held for people who wanted to become instructors of Bang. I was just along for the ride. But than the instructor said something that pierced my heart and I teared up a little. When the class was over she said, " I want to thank all of the members who came to our class. We do this because of you, and I see you."

Those three little words, ‘I see you.’ Were exactly what I needed to hear. When she said it, I felt important. I felt like I mattered. I knew that in a sea of instructors, fists, screaming, high energy… she still saw us. The little guys.

In most situations like that, its easy to be overlooked. Not that I was looking for recognition, but she was humble enough to say that. Why would she see us? She’s the inventor of this particular workout style, she travels all over the country. She pointed to so many people, and just did her thing, and she’s gorgeous! I think we all had a little crush on her! No? Just me? Cool…

Those words have resonated with me, in a way that I never knew I needed. I want to be seen, I wanted my hard work to be recognized.

”Never underestimate the power of being seen — its exhausting to keep working against yourself when someone truly sees you and loves you...” - Brene Brown

I first felt seen many years ago when I met my ex-husband, at least that’s what I thought. He noticed me out of a lot of other people, and I thought “FINALLY!” For most of my childhood I felt invisible. I could never figure out why I didn’t fit in. I was nothing like my siblings. I was nothing like my parents, I was just me. It was a weird feeling to have as a young child, but I had no idea where I belonged.

When I met my ex, and he “saw” me I felt settled and secure and excited. That quickly changed, but thats a story for a different time. When I heard the instructor say she “saw me”, I couldn’t understand that weird feeling I felt. I walked out with tears in my eyes, my heart was beating, I felt warm and fuzzy. I didn’t know that void I felt for years was invisibility.

What did she mean? I felt like when she said she “saw us” she saw our effort. She saw our energy. She saw me being me. She saw my vulnerability. My uniqueness. Thats what I felt. My authentic self shining through, and someone accepting it, and letting it be without question, or conditions. Thats what felt good. That is what my heart longed for.

As a little girl, I was wild, but in the best ways. I could run fast. I was fearless! I was smart, I could make friends easily. But those qualities were not recognized by those that mattered most. When I was in second grade, I had a teacher tell me I was brave for wanting to play soccer with that boys. I was so confused, I didn’t see it as bravery or really knew what that meant. But she said, most girls would not want to play such a rough sport with boys. My dad did a great job, at teaching me that being a girl is not a defining factor of what you can and cant do. Your gender is not a limitation, and he treated me as such. I got the same treatment as my brothers and had the same expectations put on me. My dad also told me if you choose to play with the boys, you cant cry when you get hurt. So I didn’t, and that way of thinking allowed me to play soccer with the boys. When I heard that from my teacher, the only thing I did grasp was the recognition. Thinking back on that time, my unique approach to playing should have been recognized by the ones that I needed to hear it from. I was truly fearless. I remember how I felt that young, and there was no bar too high, no game too scary, that I didn’t want to play with.

I could walk up to someone and ask if I could play. I didn’t wait for others to ask me to join. Everything as an opportunity, and nothing was off limits. Sure its the childhood naivety, but its also who I am. I’m still relatively fearless, but that light has been dampened. The person I used to be, was lost. Recently in a therapy session I tapped into my younger self. I call her little Dyanna. And seeing her and remembering myself at that time felt so good. I felt a little spark. I was a unique child. I was called difficult, and told things like “Oh thats just Dyanna.” Over time, those words started to cut deep. What I need now as an adult, and what I needed than as a child are the same. Recognition, and a hug! Its a pretty simple recipe.

My number one love language is physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation. I love giving and receiving hugs. I love holding hands. I love snuggling on the couch. I love thick fluffy blankets. I also love hearing that I did a good job. I love when my efforts, and hard work are noticed. Here’s an example. My mother in law called the other day and said “Hey D. I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for your time and sacrifice, so Jonny could come visit.” (His brother has been sick and in hospital so he went to visit.) And that took me back. I thought that wasn’t a sacrifice. His brother is in the hospital, of course he’s going to visit him. But my husband visiting his brother was not an obligation. My mother in law saw our marriage first, and respected that. I was making dinner and my husband left right before it was done, to visit. Honestly I was not hurt about it at all. But having my MIL call and say thank you, felt amazing. I felt so much more love and respect for her because she loves and respects me, and my marriage, and my choices. She was also vulnerable with me in sharing some her fears with her son being sick, and what she wanted was a listening ear and words of comfort. Which I could give, my love tank was full and overflowing with love.

Finding little Dyanna again is going to take some time. I don’t tap into that younger self very often, but when I do, I feel so free. Part of this journey of “Fynding Dyanna” is piecing together all of the different versions of me. Remembering who I was, and what I used to be like, and healing and embracing. It’s also about finding my true authentic self. Who I was told I was, and who I am on the inside are different people. I want to feel whole and authentic. I want to be seen and loved. For right now, I have to see myself. I definitely soak in the moments when others share their love and positive words with me, but I’m not relying on that. I’m relying on me.